Conflict in Marriage: Recognize Impact Over Intent To Build Intimacy

It is not about your intent. It is about your impact. This is a key idea in relationships like marriage. Regrettably, we tend to get stuck on, “That’s not what I meant when I did that, said that, wrote that, etc.” We are hurt and defensive when our actions don’t land the way we had hoped. What we lose sight of is that our spouse can’t mind read. Even more, the impact of our behavior has been felt. Their hurt, sadness, confusion, anger, loneliness, and more are already experienced. It’s done in an instant and the damage is done. What we intended at that moment will not change what they have experienced emotionally. It can feel jarring and bewildering as you try to process how you landed in this quagmire. You start back with, “That’s not what I meant!,” and “Let me explain!” Or more defensively, you might say “Why would that hurt you?!” At this point, it's off to the races with an attack-defend cycle or any number of other unhelpful patterns. Will there be a place to share about what you meant? Sure. But not right away. In some ways this is like a teen who drives their Datsun 280 ZX through his neighborhood, obeys the speed limit, momentarily glances down because his coffee mug just leaked all over his lap, and then looks up as he hits a boat nicely parked on the side of the road. Even though he had zero intent of causing harm to the expensive boat he is still responsible for the accident (I’m not speaking from experience on this oddly specific example I promise). My…I mean, his (cough) intent to not hit anything is beside the point. He still did it. The same is true in conflict with our spouse when we unintentionally hurt the other through misunderstanding, inattention, or other means. You need to understand their experience to know how you got here. 

When it comes to relationships there is a difference between the straight historical record and the affective, or emotional, impact. If you try to reduce interactions to “the facts” of exchanges devoid of emotion, you end up ignoring the experience of the other person (the boat that gets hit). In reality, this denies the inherent dignity of the other person and begins to reduce them to an object instead of an equal. On the surface, this isn’t an obvious result. To sort this out we must first acknowledge that people are beautifully deep and complex. We have to begin to think about what makes a person a person, and what is wrapped into the majestic being sitting across from you. A person whom C. S. Lewis argues we would be tempted to fall down and worship if we were able to behold them in their fullness. Check out his thoughts in The Weight of Glory for more about that.

From our earliest ages, we learned to interpret the world through lived experiences. This occurs before we can consciously remember. It is sort of a retention-without-recall quality. As we grow different parts of our brain become active, and we can fold in additional information that we learn through propositions, or suggested ways, of interpreting things like, “Be careful! If you want to avoid sour mouth, don’t drink OJ after brushing your teeth.” Coming from a trusted source, we can fold that into our knowledge of the world and how it works. This builds upon those earliest lived experiences that impact us, which operate not in a logical “if-A-then-B-leads-to-C” kind of way, but in an emotional way that is formative in the sense that it shapes our deepest instinctual type reactions. It is how we know something like “clowns are creepy” without remembering a specific experience that taught us to feel that way. It is just a general sense and operates on the unconscious level. While it is the primary way of knowing before age 3, it continues as a method of learning throughout life. Riding a bike functions with some of these same parts of the mind. That is why you don’t need to think hard about riding a bike once you learn how to. And why you can do it decades after the last time you touched one. These two categories of knowledge are called implicit and explicit memory. They work together to help us understand and approach life with wisdom. They inform everything. 

On top of and part of this, is the fact that everyone lives a unique life. My experiences of growing up in the suburbs of Dallas and Atlanta, with my unique parents from northern Louisiana, who were not abusive, and with my adopted brother from Ecuador are just a few layers that shape me. There are also the facts that I grew up atheist, middle class, in the 80s and 90s, in the Bible Belt, white, male, in public schools, not a football player, and so on. Each of those carries an emotional world. You with your unique history also have endless layers of shaping events and circumstances. To say that you and I experience and notice things in the same way is simplistic. We might experience the same event and be able to describe it similarly. And, I’m sure that its meaning is not exactly the same to you as it is to me. To insist otherwise would deny a recognition of your lived experience. It denies you the dignity of being a uniquely made individual with unique shaping experiences that form your framework of the world.

Here’s where interactions with anyone become interesting. Each person brings with them a history of lived experiences — both remembered and unconscious. Because of these unique pieces of life elements, tones, non-verbal expressions, and so on take on nuanced meanings and emotional weight. In a sense, we develop a culture unique to ourselves. Therefore, in any relationship, we learn to navigate a cross-cultural experience. Some married couples have a smaller cultural divide than others, but there remains a gap. 

This cultural difference is important. I want to honor the dignity and worth of the person sitting across from me whether it is my spouse, child, or someone else. Recognizing that there are cultural differences is key. They are bound to have different perspectives. If I am going to honor them, I must acknowledge that their perspective, built on all that is discussed above, is valid. I do not need to agree with them, but it is important not to deny the validity of their perspective or emotional experience. It is formed by all that they bring with them. Their history is coming forward at that moment. Yours does too. 

This circles back to the point I was making in the first paragraph. Intent is secondary to impact when navigating conflict. If I crash into the “boat,” it does not matter that I did not mean to do so. When I say something that crushes my spouse it is my burden to come alongside her. I want to know the impact, offer comfort, and take ownership of my "driving" at that moment. I want to understand her experience without pushing my agenda. If she feels heard and seen it is a sign that I am affirming her dignity and the beauty with which she was created. The neat thing about this is that this often opens up the opportunity for me to also be seen and heard. We create a shift away from trying to find blame. We can then talk about how we might avoid a similar hurt in the future. We might even get to talk about all the stuff that was brought forward into that moment from each of our lived stories. What an exciting moment for new levels of being known!